Peekaboo Vagina (Google That!)

What is up with you gals who think you can have a baby without anyone seeing your vagina? How did you get pregnant? In the dark, I'm guessing? I had a patient the other night who wanted to have nine family members in the room for delivery, but didn't want anyone to see the big V. I'm a good nurse, but that was beyond my scope. And it was so fucking crowded! I'm pretty sure the patient's grandmother was giving me the evil eye. I mean the real evil eye. I did something to piss her off and I'm pretty sure she put a curse on me. Shit. That's all I fucking need.

In the how the fuck did you ever get pregnant? department...

I had another patient one night who, when I checked her cervix, spazzed out and grabbed a big ole handful of my crotch with her right hand...and didn't let go. Hairs were pulled. She also coochie clenched so hard that my fingers were trapped in her vagina. I pulled away really quickly (pulled away my crotch -- there was no escape for the fingers from the vagina) and said, "I would prefer it if you wouldn't touch me in that way." In retrospect, it wasn't the best thing I could have said, but it was the thing that came out of my mouth. I just had to discourage the behavior.

In the grabbing an inappropriate part of your health care provider's body department...One night, in the OR, we had a patient who was puking while she was on the operating table before the c-section started -- while we were doing the final few preparations. Every time she threw up, she would turn her head to the left to puke in the emesis basin and reach out and grab with her right hand. The object that she happened to be grabbing with her right hand was her doctor's ass. This particular doctor is the kind of guy who would NEVER tell a patient that she was doing something like that. Finally, another nurse gave her the heads up that she was feeling up her OB.

In the puking patients department...one day shortly after I started on L&D, I was getting a patient up to pee after delivery. As soon as she sat on the toilet she puked all over the bathroom floor. I had this giant pen in my pocket. I bent over to throw some towels on the floor to sop up the puke and the giant pen got caught up in my belly fat and turned my pocket inside out, dumping my other pens, my cellphone, my scissors, and my tin of Altoids into the one pool of vomit not yet covered by a towel. It was several months before I was able to use all my minutes again.